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Russia Demands U.S. Give Back Alaska And Part Of California

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Now that soft-touch Joe Biden is in the White, the whole world is rolling over him. The Taliban got Afghanistan back, Iran is about to get their nukes back, and Russia is doing everything they can to take back Ukraine. Since he’s such a generous giver, Russia is demanding that Biden give back Alaska and part of California. The sad thing is, nobody would be surprised if Biden obliged.

The NY Post reports:

The Kremlin’s spin doctor is demanding the US return Alaska and pay Russia reparations due to the White House’s crippling sanctions imposed in the wake of Russian President Vladimir Putin’s invasion of Ukraine.

Parliament member Oleg Matveychev, who often speaks on behalf of top government officials, made the outlandish demands on Sunday while on Russian state TV…

“We should be thinking about reparations from the damage that was caused by the sanctions and the war itself, because that too costs money and we should get it back,” said Matveychev.

Well, they did start the war with Ukraine and they were warned there would be sanctions so this seems like it’s on them.

Matveychev then demanded, “the return of all Russian properties, those of the Russian empire, the Soviet Union and current Russia, which has been seized in the United States, and so on.”

The interviewer asked Matveychev if he was talking about Alaska and Fort Ross, California, both of which used to be owned by Russia, and he indicated yes. He wasn’t quite done, also demanding Antarctica.

“We discovered it, so it belongs to us,” said Matveychev.

Russia is so reasonable, aren’t they?

These demands are of course insane and come with many problems. Alaska was once part of Russia but to was sold to the United States for $7.2 million in 1867. Fort Collins, California was founded by a Russian-American company and was not part of the Russian empire. Nevertheless, it was sold into private hands in 1841. Neither of the places were taken by force, they were sold at very low prices. Tough shit, Russia. Learn how to negotiate.

As for Antarctica, Russia didn’t discover it for a number of reasons. First, it was well documented by explorers for hundreds of years before Russian naval officer Fabian Gottlieb von Bellingshausen was credited with being the first Westerner to see it in 1820. He never set foot on Antarctica because that honor went to American Captain John Davis 1821. That icecap belongs to us, same as the moon because we beat Russia there too.

Also, the U.S., U.K., and Russia signed the Antarctic Treaty in 1959 that established the continent as a scientific preserve that belongs to the world. It also bans any military activity on Antarctica.

Following the fall of Berlin, U.S. General George Patton wanted to take out the Russians because he saw that they would be a huge threat to world peace. He reasoned they were nearly defeated by the Nazis and we already had a strong army in the area, so why not take ’em out real quick. He should have because they have been mothers*ckers ever since.

I know some of you reading this are thinking, f*ck it, give Russia all of California, but as much as we’d to get rid of most Californians, the state is an awesome place and we certainly don’t want Russians on our continent. Still, maybe we can work out a deal where Russia takes our liberal Californians in exchange for calling off the war against Ukraine.


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