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The Week In WTF

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Headline of the Week

Doc shocked to find money up patient’s butt: ‘FDR’s face staring at me!’

A Missouri doctor redefined bumming money after finding a dime impossibly lodged “way up” a patient’s bottom during a rectal exam.

Gastroenterologist Dr. Benjamin Schmidt’s TikTok clip detailing the mishap was first posted in the fall — but has now amassed 1.2 million views as gawkers wonder how the coin was deposited in his patient’s caboose.

“I had never seen anything like it and the patient had no recollection of swallowing it,” said Schmidt, 34, of the man’s inadvertent backdoor banking. “Videos about objects found in patients’ rectums certainly trigger a lot of shock — but I think this video did particularly well due to the level of mystery.”

The St. Louis-based physician — known as @docschmidt on TikTok — frequently shares videos of his wacky medical experiences for his nearly 440,000 followers on the platform.

However, Schmidt said nothing compared to seeing “FDR’s face staring back at me!” while conducting a colonoscopy on a patient with a history of colon cancer.

“He needed a routine followup procedure to make sure the cancer hadn’t come back,” the gastrointestinal expert described in the clip, cleverly captioned “that’s just my ten cents.”

Fortunately, the patient appeared to be cancer-free. However, Schmidt grew alarmed after spotting something silver in the man’s cecum, the furthest part of the colon from the anus.

The astonished doctor added, “So I sprayed the area with water, and I find a dime.” The medical practitioner was especially flummoxed by the find as the human juke box claimed “he’d never swallowed a dime before.”

It was equally unlikely that the poor soul put the bit in his butt given that it was found a whopping 5 feet from the anus, per the clip.

“We really don’t know how the dime got there!” Schmidt exclaimed.

Fortunately, Schmidt was able to relieve the man of his spare change using a “net tool,” per the video. After the patient awoke from the anesthesia, the GI gave him the dime as a souvenir and sent him on his way.

The New Deal continues to f*ck taxpayers in the ass.

Dickweed of the Week

Assam Man Chops Off Penis for ‘Greater Good’ After Smoking Marijuana

A man named Md Sahajul Ali, under the influence of cannabis, chopped off his penis.

Hailing from Dekar village in the Sonitpur district, Ali is reported to be mentally disturbed. He smoked cannabis and in the state of psychosis, cut off his penis. Ali, not only consumes cannabis but has also used other hard drugs. But the psychosis episode that cost him his organ took place under the influence of marijuana.

In an interview with Guwahati Times, Ali explains that smoking cannabis is considered a sin in his religion. But Ali cannot do without the psychoactive drug. Hence, he chopped off his penis to repent for his sins. “My religion does not allow me to take cannabis. After I smoked it, I was worried that something bad was going to happen to society. I chopped off my penis for the greater good and to repent my action,” says Ali in the interview.

He’s a hero who saved us all.

Freedom of the Week

The First Amendment Protects the Right To Put a Tiny Penis on a Beer Label

A federal judge ruled Monday that North Carolina’s beer bureaucrats violated the Constitution when they tried to ban a beer because they disliked the art on the label.

The offending label was wrapped around bottles of Maryland-based Flying Dog Brewery’s Freezin’ Season Winter Ale, and appears to show a tiny appendage between the legs of a Ralph Steadman cartoon character. Last year, the North Carolina Alcoholic Beverage Control (ABC) Commission told Flying Dog that the beer could not be sold in the state due to the “inappropriate” and “in bad taste” label design.

But there’s no accounting for taste in the First Amendment—indeed, the most fundamental aspect of the constitutional protections afforded to free speech is that government officials can’t prohibit expression or art simply because they dislike it.

On Monday, Judge Terrence Boyle confirmed as much, writing that prior court rulings regarding commercial speech “should have placed any reasonable state liquor commissioner on notice that banning a beer label based on its content would violate the First Amendment.”

But if you put your penis of any size on someone’s beer at a bar, it’s still illegal.

Slither of the Week

Snake bites testicles of level 300 student in Assin Fosu College

A snake has reportedly bitten the genitalia of a level 300 student at the Assin Fosu College of Education (FOSCO) in the Central region.

The student said he quickly stood on his feet after feeling a pinch on his testicles only to find the snake curled up in the toilet bowl.

His colleague told Adom News‘ Alfred Amoh that the victim encountered the incident while attending nature’s call in an abandoned toilet facility on campus.

He explained that, despite the availability of an ultra-modern toilet facility in the school, some students prefer to use the old facility.

The student told Adom FM that they heard the victim shouting for help, and they rushed him to the St. Francis Hospital in Assin Fosu.

A tutor at the school, Inusah Mohammad, who confirmed the incident, said the victim is responding to treatment.

This is why Allah rejects indoor plumbing.

Nut of the Week

Man claims Aurora police munition ruptured his testicle

A man who suffered a ruptured testicle is suing the City of Aurora, claiming an officer recklessly fired the projectile that caused his physical damage.

The incident in which Ward was injured occurred in May 2020 as he was trying to break into a home he co-leased with his estranged wife.

The suit claims Ward “attempted to access his own house through all doors and when he was unsuccessful, he sought out a Sawzall hand-held electric saw to assist him in getting inside his house.”

Ward’s ex-wife called 911 more than once to report the break-in. Ward alleges that an officer who responded to the scene shot Ward without warning.

The officer “told Mr. Ward to put his hands up twice and drop the Sawzall,” the suit claims. “Mr. Ward complied with the instructions and dropped the Sawzall and his cell phone onto the ground. He then stood to adjust his shorts that had slid down,” and that’s when he was struck with the projectile, a 40 mm sponge grenade.

So, he wasn’t shot without warning, he failed to comply and got his nut exploded.

Wombsday Preppers of the Week

‘Vaginal preppers’ are getting ready for a post-Roe world, but experts warn against stocking up on abortion pills

Access to abortions has been slowly slipping away for years — with over 1,300 abortion restriction laws implemented by states since the 1973 Roe v. Wade decision — but a leaked Supreme Court draft has some preparing for the worst.

Like survivalists preparing for the apocalypse, “vaginal preppers” have been gearing up for the criminalization of abortion. The term, used to describe community providers stocking up on abortion supplies, was coined by an anonymous abortion activist who spoke to The Atlantic about the phenomenon.

In the days following a leaked draft opinion that suggested that the landmark decision might be overturned, abortion pill sales have increased as people gear up for restrictions on the procedure.

“I think in a perfect world everyone should have them in their cabinet,” Brenna McCaffrey, professor in the Anthropology department at Fordham University, told Insider.

A bit of preparedness can also stop unwanted pregnancies before they happen.

Motorboat of the Week

La. National Guard officer retires after planting face between subordinate’s breasts

A Louisiana Army National Guard officer faced 30 days of confinement, but no loss of rank after planting his face between a subordinate’s breasts.

Captain Billy Crosby Jr. was allowed to retire with benefits, according to military.com.

Crosby was the woman’s company commander in the Louisiana National Guard and was the senior officer at his post in Jordan. She was his direct subordinate.

The incident in question happened at Joint Training Center in Jordan in May 2021, according to military court documents. Crosby placed his face between the sergeant’s breasts, moving his face from side to side, according to the documents.

He previously told the sergeant that he wanted her to ride with him to another installation because he liked looking at her chest and previously announced twice that he was going to “motorboat” the woman during her promotion ceremony from specialist to sergeant, according to the court documents.

Crosby asked the woman if she wanted a promotion ceremony, which she declined, the documents read.

A day or so later, though, Crosby went into the room where the sergeant was working with another person and performed an impromptu ceremony in which he placed his face between her breasts, according to the documents.

He told her to stand up, “placed the rank in front of her chest, and leaned in to grab the rank with his teeth. (Crosby) then placed his face between (the sergeant’s) breasts. His face made contact with the middle of her chest. He vigorously moved his head from side to side between (her) breasts while still holding the rank with his teeth.”

This would have been perfectly acceptable if he was in the Coast Guard.

Wig-Out of the Week

‘Poopetrator’ Caught Committing ‘Fecal Assault’ on Wigs in Beauty Store

Wichita Police recently snuffed out a foul-smelling situation at a local business.

The department announced Tuesday that they identified a woman who allegedly defecated in the middle of an aisle inside a Mid-K Beauty Supply store on May 10, damaging numerous wigs in the process.

“Yes, you read that right,” police said in social media posts published on Facebook and Twitter. “The defecation was significant enough that eight wigs were destroyed as a result, and the business would like to know who the poopetrator is so they can pursue criminal charges.”

The incident was captured on the store’s video surveillance system, police added, “but for the good of all of you we are not posting the footage of the offending fecal assault.”

They went on to say that any public assistance in locating “public enemy number 2” was appreciated.

Wichita Police Officer Trevor Macy told Newsweek that the suspect caused about $200 worth of damage, according to the store. She was identified by detectives.

“I believe the surveillance footage and the evidence left behind helped discover what had occurred,” Macy said. “At this time it is believed to have been intentional.”

Appropriate charges are currently being determined.

How about illegal dumping?

Whiz Kid of the Week

Arby’s manager caught urinating in milkshake mix

An Arby’s manager allegedly urinated in the milkshake mix at the fast-food eatery for his own “sexual gratification” on at least two occasions, cops said.

Stephen Sharp, who was being investigated for child pornography, admitted to police that he enjoyed relieving himself in the restaurant’s milkshake mix while working as a night manager at a Vancouver, Washington, location, according to police.

The Arby’s manager was arrested by Vancouver police and confessed to downloading and distributing child pornography and having a sexual interest in children on May 10.

Officers executed a search warrant and uncovered dozens of photos and videos depicting the sexual exploitation of children as well as the urine video on his digital devices. He downloaded the disturbing content within the chain restaurant on at least one occasion, police said.

Investigators are looking for any unlucky customers who bought and drank the urine-contaminated shakes. Vancouver police are asking anyone who purchased a milkshake from the Arby’s at 221 Northeast 104th Ave. on Oct. 30 or Oct. 31 and has a receipt to contact them.

You don’t even want to know about the chocolate milkshakes.

Leak of the Week

Johnny Cash water tower springs leak in unfortunate place to make it look like he’s weeing

A water tower tribute to musician Johnny Cash has left a mayor furious after a lone gunman caused some very awkward damage.

The tower, which features an outline of the Man in Black with a red guitar was damaged after a bullet was fired at it, right into the crotch of the silhouette.

An act of vandalism to the Kingsland, Arkansas mural has left town mayor Luke Neal raging after the Ring of Fire and Folsom Prison Blues singer had his tribute graffitied.

The hometown hero was spotted plastered onto the side of a water tower, where thanks to gun damages, makes it look as though Cash is relieving himself on the town.

The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductee was brought up in Kingsland, and officials of the town commemorated Cash’s heritage with a water tower tribute.

It was soon hit with a single bullet hole, aimed right at the crotch of the acclaimed artist, making for a slow trickle of water escaping from the tower.

Town mayor Luke Neal, speaking to KLRT, said: “Somebody shot our water tower, shot the silhouette of Johnny Cash in a very sensitive area. It’s been leaking for the last – almost week.”

Since the bullet hit the Man in Black, the tower is said to have lost 30,000 gallons of water a day, The Independent reports.

Maybe he’s trying to put out that burning Ring of Fire.

G.O.A.T. of the Week

School farm horror as man, 43, is charged with bestiality after ‘repeatedly breaking in and sexually assaulting sheep and goats’

A man has been charged with animal cruelty and bestiality after being arrested at an agriculture school in Sydney’s west.

Police allege the 43-year-old man broke into the school numerous times over the last month, allegedly assaulting sheep and goats at St Marys Senior High School.

The school runs agriculture classes and has a farm on the premises where it has birthed lambs and kids.

A NSW Department of Education spokesperson said: ‘The school has increased security and surveillance on site, including the area where the animals are held.

‘All animals on site at the school have been examined by a veterinarian and are all in a stable condition.’

Last month, police began receiving reports of break and enters at the school. They arrested the man at the Kalang Avenue school at about 7.50pm on Wednesday.

Police will allege in court the man assaulted the goats and sheep housed in a farm between April 27 and May 18.

The 43-year-old has been charged with 14 offences, including break and enter, animal cruelty, and bestiality offences.

Though the offenses are baaaaad, his lawyer thinks he can bleat the charges.

DUI of the Week

Ohio deputy encounters ‘drunk Amish guy’ slumped over in moving buggy: ‘The horse knows how to get home’

An Amish man in Ohio was the subject of a low-speed police chase on May 14 when he was asleep while operating a horse and buggy.

Ashtabula Sheriff’s Deputy Mike Talbert attempted to stop the buggy at around 2:43 a.m. in Orwell, Ohio, but was unsuccessful and told other officers that the driver of the horse and buggy looked like he was asleep, according to Fox 8.

“There is a Bud Light can sitting in there and he’s passed clean out,” Talbert says. “We got a drunk Amish guy passed out in a buggy.”

“He just turned eastbound on Bogue and I yelled at the guy when he rode by,” Talbert said. “There is a Bud Light can sitting in the d**n buggy and I hit the side of the buggy and hollered at the guy. He’s passed clean out. He’s slumped over.”

Police initially responded to 911 calls from people who claimed the buggy was “all over the road.”

After pursuing the horse and buggy in a low-speed chase, the deputy eventually blocked the buggy with his car, but the buggy hit the cruiser.

The person operating the horse and buggy was identified as Nathan Miller, who took a breathalyzer test and registered a .063%, according to police.

Miller was arrested and charged with operating a vehicle while under the influence.

It’s still safer than those self-driving Teslas.

Heist of the Week

Florida man in ape mask used sledgehammer to rob laundromat, deputies say

A Florida man was arrested Tuesday for using a sledgehammer to steal over $800 from a laundromat.

The Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office said around 10:45 on May 8 Michael Justin Rowe, 32, and Taylor Marie Farrell, 34, went into a laundromat. Pictures show Rowe was wearing an ape mask and holding a sledgehammer.

Rowe used the sledgehammer to smash a coin change machine, taking about $800 from it, deputies said.

Meanwhile in video not released by the sheriff’s office, Farrell can be heard yelling “We got to go. You’ve been in here too long,” to Rowe before the pair drove off in a blue Mercury Marquis.

Deputies found Farrell on May 11 after she dyed her hair blue. Deputies said she confessed to the crime.

Rowe was identified as the other suspect after he was found to be the registered owner of the getaway vehicle.

Both are being held at the Charlotte County Jail on several charges including grand theft property more than $750 but less than $5,000 and criminal mischief more than $1,000 damage.

This guy made a monkey out of the justice system.

Infection of the Week

Mind-altering cat parasite makes infected people more attractive, study claims

A new study has shown that the Toxoplasma Gondii parasite – which causes toxoplasmosis – can actually make human carrier more physically desirable.

The study, led by Javier Borraz-Leon of the University of Turki in Finland, found that if you had the parasite you would appear “healthier and more attractive” than if you were parasite free.

But where does the parasite come from? Cats. Cats are to blame.

And it is then passed from human to human via sex.

He explained: “Our results suggest that some sexually transmitted parasites, such as T. gondii, may produce changes in the appearance and behaviour of the human host.

According to the study, the parasite affects the retina in the eyes, which inflames the eye and gives permanent retinal scarring.

Several people were infected with the parasite and results were compared to those who were not infected – around 300 people were involved overall.

Images were taken of the infected before and after infection and compared side-by-side.

The images showed that the facial changes of each test subject could be perceived as more attractive to some.

Or you could just drink a 12-pack and suddenly everyone’s a supermodel.

WTF? of the Week

Schoolboy, 13, accused of sexual harassment for refusing to call classmate ‘they’

A teenager, 13, who refused to refer to a non-binary classmate as ‘they’ or ‘them’ says he fears he will never go to college as he has been accused of sexual assault.

Wisconsin middle schooler Braden Rabidoux was landed with the complaint after referring to the student as “she”.

Braden, along with two other class mates, were reportedly berated by their classmate for not respecting they’re pronouns.

In an interview with Fox News, the terrified teenager has said the allegation has made him anxious and upset.

He said: “I was anxious and scared and upset because I didn’t know what was going to happen.

“But mostly anxious for my present self and my future self because a charge like that on my record could shatter my chances at getting into a college when I grow up.”

Braden’s mother Rosemary Rabidoux…blasted the school and described her shock at the allegations.

She said: “This is middle school. These guys are kids, they’re learning how to interact with each other, and they’ve been taught all their life to see a girl and use pronouns “she” and “her.” They don’t understand using plural pronouns for one student

“Schools should be focused on education, on math and science and social studies, and not… pronouns.

“I’m thinking, sexual harassment? That’s rape, that’s inappropriate touching, that’s incest. What has my son done?

“He’s being allegedly charged with sexual harassment for not using proper pronouns. I thought it wasn’t real! I thought this has got to be a gag, a joke — one has nothing to do with the other.”

Kiel School District has refused to comment on the incident but stressed that district officials “continue to support ALL students regardless of sex (including transgender status, change of sex or gender identity)”.

I weep for our children’s future.


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